The other day I was working from home and saw my 11 year old daughter had created a new screensaver with a heart on it and it said, “I love me.” My first thought was I needed to talk with her about the importance of loving and preferring others first.

However, as I was giving it more thought, I was reminded of one of my favorite Bible scriptures, “Love your neighbor as you love yourself.” It is actually ok to love yourself and I realized you truly cannot love others unless you love yourself first.

The Dictionary describes love as having a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. My next thought was, “How do you love yourself and others?” I thought of the scriptures often quoted at marriage ceremonies from I Corinthians 13.

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”

I don’t know about you, but I can’t say I succeed at all this 100% of the time. If I’m driving and someone cuts me off, I don’t feel like being kind to the driver. When I’m at the grocery store and am waiting for the cashier to put the 25 coupons in that the person ahead of me gave her, I’m not always patient. On the other hand, if I’m the one who accidentally cuts someone off, I want them to be patient with me or if I’m the one with the coupons, I prefer the person behind me to understand.

I remember once when I was mad at my husband because of something he had done for several years in our marriage, I actually thought about keeping a list of how many times he had done it. I figured if he saw it on paper, he would understand and stop. Then, I read about not keeping a record of being wronged, so I threw that thought out. The funny thing is now that it is years later, I don’t even remember what it is that he did. Of course, I’m sure there are still things I do that irritate him like leaving every pair of shoes that I own in different parts of the house or asking him every day questions like, “Where are my keys? Where is my purse? I can’t find my…” Well, you get the point.

Would I want him to have a tally for all these years? I don’t think so. I’d rather him love me as I am.

When you have chosen to record a sporting event on your DVR, it would be rather confusing when playing it back to find instead of the sporting event, the program playing is a cooking show. You wonder where the programming glitch occurred because obviously something else was allowed to record in its place. The recorder had no choice but to imprint that which was chosen. It is no different with our children. Children are human recorders and what is allowed to be downloaded into their memory banks will inevitably be played back at some time in their lives. Their minds do not filter words, experiences, lyrics, pictures, movies or programs because the content would not benefit them or be considered destructive. On the contrary, a recorder, or our children’s minds, only accept and record that which has been put in front of them.

Many of us have looked at our child’s behavior or listened to a statement that has come out of their mouths and wondered “where did that come from?” If we are able to consider and remember what our child has watched, read, looked at or heard, there should be no question as to where the programming began. Learning to direct the input into our children’s lives will most certainly affect the output.

If you find you are repeatedly trying to change what is coming out of your child’s life, whether it is by words, attitude, actions or motive, simply consider the programming. It is worth taking a long hard look at our children’s daily input. What programs, movies, books, or other sources of influence are allowed into our children’s lives will ultimately “play back” at some point in the future.

Whereas, I am not writing from a clinical background and I recognize this is a simplification of a complex system of the human mind, any mom can attest to influences that directly affect our child’s behavior. For example, when my seven year old son reads a book about Indians, it is no surprise to me when later that afternoon, he is walking around in moccasins and building a tepee in our living room. On days when we study space and the universe, it is not shocking when he chooses later that day to dress as a NASA astronaut, repeatedly asking questions about traveling in the space shuttle. The information that was put before my son eventually plays itself out. Regardless of age, we naturally act out or attract in our lives that which we meditate on. If as an adult we choose to feed on a steady diet of soap operas then it should not be surprising when the amount of “drama” in our own lives starts to escalate. Whatever we meditate on gives us our perspective on life and will ultimately come into play on a daily basis.

As a mom, I want only the best programming for my children and I recognize many times I am the person who decides whether or not to push play or delete. Take the time to look at the sources of influence in your child’s life. While you are at it, it is not a bad idea to check your own personal programming as well…after all “as a man thinks, so is he”.

Has the reality of your marriage lived up to or surpassed your excitement as you envisioned your life together on your wedding day? Are you living out your “happily ever after”?

As a therapist and life coach, I experience many women who believe they have settled for something far below their marital hopes and dreams and passionately yearn for greater excellence. What is missing?

Most of us have an image of ideals in marriage; a “one and only” mate, an ideal family, that perfect Valentine’s dinner. We allow our dreams to be shattered by imperfect spouses who don’t understand our blueprint. We can choose to cherish the image and destroy the person or cherish the person and put the image in perspective.

How do we live out the loving promise of our wedding day expectations? There is hope very much within your grasp and control. It begins with you!

Marital research suggests that wives and husbands speak the same words but experience divergent understanding of what words like “love” mean in a marital context. Clearly, we all desire to be “loved”, but love to a man often times looks more like respect and love to a woman begins with emotional connection and safety. Same word, different interpretation!

As we evaluate the quality of how well I am loving my husband, attention must be given to loving him as he can receive it. Let’s start by evaluating the tangible actions that he can understand, affirm and receive as love.

Start by asking your husband to paint a picture of how each of you are doing. Don’t ask him if he feels loved by you” (he will want to be honorable and say yes) but help him paint a picture of those times in the marriage when he felt most respected. Ask him to describe what about that situation made it special. With that insight, ask him to evaluate your “everyday” respect for him, those times when you could have loved (respected) him differently in specific situations. As he describes these things, make a note that this is how he describes and receives “love”. It may sting but the investment in him will in a healthy marriage pay huge relational dividends.

If I were to ask my husband this question, he would describe those moments when I am his cheerleader, encourager, affirmer. He would say he is most respected (loved) when I could cut his legs out from under him with criticism for an ill-advised statement or action and instead look to his heart and character. When I ask him if he wants anything, he playfully asks for “world peace” but I really know that’s his euphemism for a warm smile and affirmation that all is well for me and us. My joy and peace are important indicators to him that love is present. He draws his respect (love) from knowing that he is shepherding an environment of emotional safety (love) for me. Make the things that are important to him important to you.

It’s surprising (but it shouldn’t be) how much of a difference we can make in our marriages if we focus on what we can do differently rather than focus on our spouses deficiencies. Some wives may protest “but my husband does not deserve my love and respect”. Be the first to respond in loving and respectful ways, not because he deserves it but because it’s the right thing to do. Remember the qualities that drew you to him like a magnet originally and while they may be not be apparent, your affirming desire to respect (love) him may assist you to see him with the same lens that that drew your attention originally.

Our “happily ever after” is possible if it starts with me and begins with small steps. Plan a date and ask your husband to paint a picture of how he could be loved and respected by you. You might be surprised.

From Jill Nash:
Recently, I spoke to a few friends of mine who I consider to have a wonderful marriage. They are not professionals but they are people who have worked hard and invested in their marriage and are living the rewards. Good marriages don’t happen by accident. I asked them if they would contribute their thoughts of what they believe have helped them to create a marriage of excellence.

Lil Bourgeios, Married for 20 years, 2 children

A wedding vow is taken and magically “two become one” and a lifetime partnership begins. It is this concept that has contributed to the success of our amazing 20 year marriage! My husband and I see ourselves as “one” ever since we entered into a marriage covenant before God. We are a team and our vocabulary evolved from “you and me” to “us”. It’s an incredible transformation to genuinely feel that what happens to one person actually happens to the other. It is this attitude that we chose to adopt and to live by daily. We are indeed "one" and we will win as a team or lose as a team. And of course who wants to lose?! Therefore, each partner is invested in the success of the other. It’s no longer “him verses her”, “me verses you”, or “I win verses you win”. Instead, it is an atmosphere of, “what do we need to do to partner together to win as a team?”

Each partner brings to the marriage strengths which should be used for the benefit of the team. It isn’t a 50-50 thing but should be whatever the day -or moment- requires to bring about the success of the marriage (the team partnership).

In our first year of marriage, it seemed that I was the one who initiated meaningful communications. Indeed, I have always been a talker and “words” come easily; yet I started to resent always being the one to initiate deep communication and exchange of the heart. Thank God, my perspective on the matter changed. I realized that communicating came naturally to me and was a strength that I brought to our marriage. So, why not use my communication strength for the benefit of our marriage? After all, my husband brought many other strengths to our marriage and, when combined, it made us stronger as one. When couples realize their spouse is not an enemy or the competition but actually a team mate, on the same side, they will be empowered to become the help mate they were created to be. It cultivates a win-win attitude.

A collection of advice

Pastor Timothy and Nona Jones, married 5 years and expecting their first child

We decided to wait five years until trying to have a child. We figured it would take about that long to really learn one another and grow together. What many people do not understand is that marriage is the house that children live in. When people focus on their children and neglect their marriage, it is inevitable that the children will suffer. When the marriage is strong, meaning the husband feels adored by the wife and the wife feels adored by the husband, children feel secure and are less likely to engage in risky behavior.

Dr. Adrian and Sue Lewis, married 31 years, 2 married children

1. Be best friends
2. Have at least one common activity together.
3. Have a common vision
4. Unselfishness
5. Regarding your children, if you disagree, do it behind closed doors.
6. Show affection to each other
7. Pray together (statistics show that couples who pray together have a 1% divorce rate in comparison to the National Statistic 50%)

Lisa Chacon, married 24 years, 3 grown children

Husbands don’t pout, cry, or demand your immediate attention, usually. So when you have small children, it is easy to ignore your spouse to attend to the kids who will throw a fit if you don’t attend to them.

This can set up a pattern in the marriage of not paying much attention to each other and focusing too much energy on the children. With the hectic pace of life and work, the marriage relationship can be put on auto-pilot even for years at a time. The best advice I could give a couple is to spend time everyday talking and connecting without the interruption of the kids. Put the kids to bed early so you can hang out as a couple and don’t take each other for granted. Then you will still have your best friend after the kids have grown up and left the house.