Monday, June 9
"The Value of Friendships"

The Value of Friendships
To have a friend, be a friend. What exactly does that mean? Women of Influence invites Dr. Deborah Dilbone and Jill Nash to share from their life experiences what they believe friendship is, the value of friendship and it’s relevance and how to choose your friends wisely. This luncheon is for all women and children ages 8 -99. who want to make new friends, learn to become a better friend, and learn how to enhance their current friendships.
 

 

JILL: Welcome!  This topic has been on my heart for a year and a half and I have wanted to have a mother/daughter tea party focusing on the meaning of friendship. I mentioned this to Deborah a while back and found out she had done a bible study on friendship with a group of teenagers last year and thought it would be great to have her join us.  I thought it best to wait until summer so pre-teens and teenagers could come and benefit as well as adults. Deborah has been married for nineteen years, is the mother of three beautiful children, and a dentist at University of Florida. Tell a little about my friendship with Deborah….Friendships are so vital in each of our lives.   I truly believe they are for a purpose….a reason, a season or lifetime. Some of you may
a)  already have rich relationships
b) some may have challenges in existing friendships
c)  some of you may have superficial friendships
d)  some of you are in need of a friend.

Today, we will discuss the qualities of a true friend, choosing your friends and challenges you may face in friendships

I.  Qualities of Friendship

DEBORAH: What is the meaning of friendship?/What does it mean to be a friend? 

In order to define friendship I looked at the qualities I see in my friends that I most admire.  The following is a list of those qualities. My closest friends are those I feel I can trust, I feel safe in their hearts. I know when they ask me questions about myself I can answer freely because they always have my best intentions at the forefront of their minds.  I know they would never share what I consider private info with anyone on this earth. My success is important to them. They are not consumed with idle chatter or gossip but with carrying out their purpose on the earth. Part of that purpose is being my friend.  It is challenging, provoking, exhorting, encouraging, and at times rebuking me. 

My goals as I interact with women are:

 

JILL: Qualities I look for in friends:

 Being a Good Friend 

 DEBORAH: In order to be a good friend we must understand our power and our worth. Many of us have believed a long list of lies that have been told to us over our lifetime. 

Lies

If we don’t understand our worth the world around us loses out.  If we believe the lies that the world tells women like we are not attractive enough, we are not smart enough, we don’t really fit in, people don’t really like us, and if we let people too close they will hurt us; then we will be ineffective in carrying out the purposes God has for us in the world. 

Truth

The truth is that you are beautiful, you are smart enough, you do fit in, people will like you if you can get your past hurts out of the way, and people may hurt you if you let them get close but the risk is worth it.

Be Yourself

You must be yourself and never try to be like anyone else. If you are always trying to “fit in” and be like those around you – you will never be able to become the person God created you to be and the people around you will lose out on what you were supposed to offer them. If you see someone else’s strengths and try to have the same ones, you will never measure up and you will always feel like a failure because you were not created to be that person with those same strengths. Everyone on earth was created to do something special and something different than everyone else.  Don’t waste time trying to be what you were not created to be, instead begin to figure out what your talents and abilities are and what your purpose is. No matter your age, there is a purpose for every day of your life. You may not see or understand it every day but some days are simply for preparation so that you will be ready when it is time to go. Be yourself and never believe the lie that you are not good enough. 

Filters

Sometimes we develop filters from past hurts and lies.  Those filters can have a tendency to distort truth.  We have all experienced situations in which two people have a completely different account of the exact same situation.  If you are married, this has probably happened to you many times.In order to be a good friend we must lose the filters and throw away the lies. 

What is the Purpose of Friendships?

JILL:

 Some friendships are for a purpose….a reason, a season or lifetime.

 Season:

In high school I had close friends.  We had fun together but when they moved away and went to different schools we never kept in touch.  These were friends I had for a season.  When I was pregnant with Mikey I had a friend who I hung out with often.  She helped me clean my house, she babysat for me, etc. This was a wonderful friendship that blessed us both a great deal but again it was just for a season.

 Reason:

Quite a few years ago l was having a hard time and when I thought I was going crazy, Pastor Cheryl Carter told me I needed a friend and she befriended and counseled me.  She has been there for me for many years.  She is someone I get advice from; we share a lot of the same spiritual, family, and political views.  I always have things to talk about with her but she is not someone I hang out with.  This has been a friendship that has been for a reason.

 Lifetime: 

Friendships that last a lifetime are rare and wonderful.  These are friends that truly love you, challenge you, encourage you, laugh with you, and cry with you.  They validate you.  You can bounce ideas off them.  Eat chocolate with you.  They know when to listen and when to talk. You can have fun with them.  You can be yourself with them and sometimes you can be completely silly.

 

Investing in your friends/ Who has the time?

 You need to know who is on your life team. 

Who do you need to succeed in life?  This may include your spouse, kids, friends, pastor etc. The people on your life team are those who you will invest most of your time in.  You can't invest into everyone's life.  It doesn't mean you don't have any time for others, but it does mean you will have to choose the people you will invest in the most.

When I asked my daughter Julie what she enjoyed most about her friends she said this about her friends:

 DEBORAH:

 These are great examples of how we impart different things into different people.  I believe we are meant to have friends of all ages. Our purpose in every one of our friends’ lives is different, as is their purpose in ours.  The number of friendships we have is also dependant on the time we have to put into those friendships. Many women have specific friends they call when they need encouragement, others when they want to shop, others when they want to go to a movie, others when they just want to laugh, and others when they need advice. 

 How Do You Choose Your Friends?

 JILL: 

Proverbs 13:20   He who walks with the wise grows wise, but companion of fools suffers harm.

 Proverbs 27:19  A mirror reflects a man's face, but what he is really like is shown by the kind of friends he chooses.

 Friendships don’t just happen; you have to make them happen.  Ask God to help you be the best friend you can be to someone, show yourself friendly.  Ask Him to change and rearrange relationships the way He desires. 

 Proverbs 27:17  Iron sharpens iron; so a man sharpens his friend's countenance.

DEBORAH:

Be careful not to join yourself to a friend with the same weakness. Be willing to be vulnerable.

People are often attracted to others with similar personalities.  With mates we are often attracted to opposites but I have noticed in friendships that people who are critical almost always connect with friends who tend to be critical and people who are miserable tend to cling to others who are miserable.  Perhaps they feel like they can “relate” to one another but unless they are extremely careful they will only bring each other down.

 Challenges You Might Face in Friendships   

 DEBORAH:

 The first thing we must all remember is that no one is perfect and we should never expect perfection from another human being.  We must always be quick to forgive and understand that friends don’t usually hurt you on purpose.

 Challenges we all face in friendships are:

 1. Jealousy

Be careful not to call friends “best friends” because that makes others feel like there is no place for them in your life.  They may also feel like they are not good enough to be your friend.  It could be a terrible predicament if they believe you are their best friend. 

You should always be willing to put yourself in the shoes of the girls around you to see how you would feel in the same situation.  If you are playing a game that excludes other girls place yourself in their shoes to see how it makes you feel.  If you feel special and honored than what you are doing is acceptable.  If you feel excluded, angry, and or jealous; than what you are doing probably needs a little more thought.

2. Competition

The only time competition is OK in friendship is on the basketball court, volleyball court, the debate team, over a friendly game of cards, etc.  Other than competitive games there is absolutely, positively no room for competition.

3. Envy

There is no place for envy in friendship.  Benjamin Franklin once said, “To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girlfriends.”  Your mouth should be used to praise, honor, edify, and encourage.  There is no place for words that destroy.

4. Gossip

Proverbs 17:9 (Amplified ) says,  He who covers and forgives an offense seeks love, but he who repeats or harps on a matter separates even close friends.  No good ever comes out of sharing negative things about a person with another person.  If you have misunderstood a situation and share this with others you will make others feel negatively toward someone for no good reason.  If you understood the situation correctly and that person later comes to you and asks for forgiveness, you will feel terrible if you have already smeared their name to other people.  Like it says in the scripture, he who covers and forgives an offense seeks love.  Our goal is to love our friends even when they seem unlovable.

5. Isolation

Women sometimes isolate themselves when they feel like they do not fit in or when they think that nobody would understand what they are going through.  This is such a common misconception among women and it is so far from the truth.  Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (NLT) says, Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.  If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone?  A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.

6. Lack of Love and Understanding/Unaware of Feelings

We must strive to love our friends in all situations whether they seem to be acting in a way that is lovable or not.  We must always try to understand where the other person is coming from and be aware of why they might be feeling hurt, offended, etc. 

Always remember that women have tremendous power in their words.  We were created to be guardians of the hearts of our children, our husbands, and our friends.  Given that position we have the ability to build and strengthen or completely tear down. 

Our hearts must be in the right place before we ever open our mouths.  Our children and our husbands hunger to hear us speak encouraging words, they need us to tell them how wonderful they are.  Some of our friends need the same from us.  While withholding those words can be detrimental to their development, speaking negative can be destruction. With our words we can empower someone to believe that they can do anything they dream possible but with our words we can also make them believe that they are worthless and unable to fulfill their dreams. 

We can overcome the challenges of friendship by being honest, vulnerable, and sharing our feelings with one another.  Remember to do a quick heart check to make sure your heart is right before you speak.  Never approach your friend when you are angry or if your intentions are not to forgive and move on.  If you want your friend to feel bad about something they did or said then your heart is not right and you are not ready to talk.  Be careful not to judge motives and remember that a friend loves at all times. (Proverbs 17:17)

 JILL:

 Examples of challenges you may face in friendship are:

Love is Patient, Kind, and Never Fails

 JILL:

Mary Tuttle passed away yesterday at 41 years old.  Mary was an amazing woman. Like most people she had two sides to her, but her sides seemed more extreme.  She was one of the most gifted women I had ever met….very intelligent, filled with faith and always helped the poor. When Mary was only five years old, she already knew three different languages.  By the time she was 30, she knew every language known to mankind. I’m told there are over 2000 languages.  Seems impossible, but she could hold a conversation with anyone. Mary also seemed to have incredible discernment.  She seemed to know what was going on in people’s lives and knew things that no one else knew.  If there was ever something mysterious to be solved, Mary was your person.  She could look you in the eye and tell what was troubling you or if you were struggling in an area.  She always spoke right to the problem.

She was also known as a woman of faith.  This sounds crazy, but once when she was traveling just to prove she had faith, she spoke to a mountain and guess what, it moved. Seems impossible again, but when Mary was around, many things seemed possible. She was not wealthy when she died, but that was because she gave away everything she owned to poor people.  Where there was a need and Mary could provide she did. Mary’s death was tragic.  She was always sharing the gospel with people. She traveled around the world to share, but this time Mary shared in a place that did not receive the gospel as good news.  Tragically, Mary was burned alive at 41 years old.  

The other side of Mary didn’t seem to match up to all she did.  She was certainly not known for her patience.  She always wanted things her way, because she felt her way was best and when it didn’t happen, she let you know it.  She expected everything to be done immediately and if it didn’t happen quick enough…watch out.  Even though it seemed that she was generous, I always wondered why she seemed so selfish and prideful. She had no interest in other people.  She thought no one was like her and no one could please her and she let you know it.  Many times she came across rude.   She wasn’t a loyal person, but used people for whatever she felt the need was at the time, but the strange thing was she expected loyalty.  If she perceived you did something wrong, she let you know about it over and over and over.   She never believed in other people, only herself and as gifted as she was, she was jealous of everyone…she was jealous over peoples marriages, their children, their friendships.

You see, Mary never married or had children. No one could stand being around her for long.  AT first they wanted to because of all her accomplishments, but once they got to know her, their interest waned. In the end, everything Mary did was of no value.  All her works are considered dead, worthless.   In God’s eyes, all that she did, meant nothing.  The reason…. is because Mary never learned how to love.   

I Corinthians 13:1-8 (NLT) "If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever!

 Let love be your greatest aim.